It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
