omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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