Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
