i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
