idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
