I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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