You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
