He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
