every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
