im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
