god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
