Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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