don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
