I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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