I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
