Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
