Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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