Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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