So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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