Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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