Tell her she can't have a vagina
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
