Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
