dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
