Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Panties = found
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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