After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
