I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
