Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
