This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
