I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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