I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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