dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
