...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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