This is not my ceiling
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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