You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
