Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
