Sry I called you an 8
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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