Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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