I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
