she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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