Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
