Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We have so much sex to catch up on
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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