Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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