I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
