apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
