it's not cheating when I paid for it
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
