I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
