he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
