i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
