Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
