do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
